It's not that uncommon for white Republicans to put their mouths (or in some cases, their genitals) ahead of their brains, resulting in verbal gaffes and embarrassing faux pas galore. On a weekly basis, we seem to see the GOP Racist Slur Of The Week in some form, whether it be an e-mailed photo, a Facebook comment or some dumbfuck's illiteracy causing a poor choice of words.
The dumbfuck du jour? Republican congresswoman Lynn Jenkins of Kansas, who has probably never come face to face with a black constituent in her 99.9% WASP district. When discussing her party's prospects for the 2012 election, she said, "Republicans are struggling right now to find thegreat white hope."
For those familiar with the first black heavyweight boxing champion, Jack Johnson, white racist boxing fans were openly yearning back in the early 1900's for a Caucasian challenger to emerge, referred to as a "great white hope." The heavyweight title later went to Jim L. Jeffries, who went on record to state, "I am going into this fight for the sole purpose of proving that a white man is better than a Negro."
So why mince words, Ms. Jenkins? Just come out and tell us how you really feel. How about "Republicans need to defeat that arrogant, suit-wearing darkie in 2012" or "We need a fresh face to help return America to its tried-and-true white family values." And ironically, she presides over the northeast Kansas community of Hiawatha, named after the Native American leader whose people were treated like savages by early white American settlers. These days, white Kansans have moved away from tormenting Indians in favor of assassinating abortion doctors and waving "God Hates Fags" signs at Iraq War vet funerals.
Here's another example of how ignorant white people show the duality of their cultural illiteracy and their deep-seated racism. The process is simple. Make a public statement that includes an impromptu slur. Wait for backlash to ensue from bloggers, media, pundits, talk radio, etc. Have your spokesperson issue an apology for the "poor choice of words" and give a revised quote with more PC phraseology. Then atone for your sins by singing in church with your eyes closed and ending your sentences with "in the name of God." Just pray and it will all go away.
These stupid fucking white tyrant politicians are the catalysts behind the last several decades of civil rights abuses and mistreatment of minorities in this country. They bastardize Christianity in order to affirm their agenda and spit on those with darker skin in order to take a step forward. And they always get a free pass for it, no matter what. Why can't we have them all choke on the foot that's already in their mouths instead?
For those of you who find the same kind of juvenile bathroom humor from fifth grade hilarious in your mid-thirties, most contemporary white comedians will easily have you in stitches. The list of caucasian dumbfucks who get people to laugh via screaming, animal sounds, inane sight gags, toilet innuendo or frat-boy stunts is rather lengthy. And their popularity is still hard to explain. They're described as "edgy" or "loose" or "improvisational" or "no holds barred" or with some assemblage of adjectives that creates the illusion that we're in for something hilarious in a really huge way. Then when the moment of truth arrives, you're left sitting in a confused silence, wondering when the "funny" part is supposed to commence. You leave the joint with the impression that watching a holocaust movie or some Abu Gharib prison torture footage would have been more of a laughfest.
The interesting common denominator with these irritating douchebags is that their audience is limited to a very select few: other white people with a flawed sense of humor, and the unwilling guests that they drag along with them to the comedy club or amphitheater. I watched a Dane Cook comedy special recently, and couldn't find any non-white people in the audience. And when you did spot one, they were clearly not laughing or having a good time. Here's an amateurish shithead who went from being an obnoxious substandard comedian in college student unions to a humor-killing film actor in some of the most vile straight-to-DVD offerings so far this century. Even the airlines won't offer Dane Cook movies out of fear that the passengers would either storm the cockpit or bolt for the nearest emergency exit without a chute.
And speaking of sickening, one of the most bewildering successes in white low-IQ pop culture belongs to MTV's "Jackass", a show that brought the laughs via stunts like skateboarding into brick walls and rubbing one's genitals with toxic solvents. Mind you, this was media giant Viacom who gave the green light to a troupe of stupid white fucks who chose to take the unfortunate shit they did in their backyards and put it on tape. Partners in idiotic white trash crime Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O and some brainless doof named Bam got the yuks from high school dropouts and anyone who considered self-mutilation a knee slapper. And the fact that the Jackass audience totaled millions made this form of American art a sad commentary on our culture.
Then you have this red-headed freak who does bad Gallagher imitations and is somehow allowed camera time regardless of how unfunny his schtick gets. Yes, I'm referring to Carrot Top, who decided that he had to eventually look even funnier than he actually is by morphing himself into a steroid-enhanced transvestite. Just watch (if you can) the clip below. When a comedian is shocked that people are actually laughing at them, that's a clear indicator of self-admitted suckdom. Some people have graphic nightmares that involve clowns. My darkest dreams involve being duct taped to a chair while watching Carrot Top. It seems like the only way that I'll ever find myself at a comedy gig featuring this subhuman freakazoid is if I've been kidnapped by the Jigsaw Killer and I decide to hack off my foot instead of watch another fucking dimwitted sight gag.
It seems that most white comedy centers around the ever-present "inside joke", where there's no way you'll get the punchline unless you understand the alleged humor that lies beneath. Like why Dane Cook ends his jokes with loud puking noises. Or why dry-white-toast monotones like Paula Poundstone and Louie Anderson do the kind of generic comedy that's a solid cure for insomnia. And how about that accordion-wielding lunatic with a grating voice who can't say anything close to funny if her life depended on it? Yes, that's Judy Tenuta, who looks like the crazy old bitch next door who owns three dozen cats and gets her prescriptions via mail order. The laughter that comes from white people via these overpaid con artists is still a logical oddity. Yet people are paying to be entertained by them, and somehow, they succeed at it.
The other inexplicable phenomena in the bizarro world of white comedy is how some of these freaks make a career out of one catchphrase or punchline. By now, even pygmys in the most rural villages of Africa know all of the reasons why you might be a redneck. And some of these shitheads are under the impression that using "fuck" or "fucking" when you need to form complete sentences make the punchline even funnier. And even the high-minded thinkers of our generation still can't understand how they made a whole goddamned movie out of "It's Pat" from SNL. With the possible exception of the late Bill Hicks, there have been very few white comedians who have taken the art form to the next level or who have brought any new creativity to the fore. Oh, I'm sorry...you think that's not true? OK, then I've give you five seconds to think of someone current who's an innovator and not an imitator.
...one
...two
...three
...four
...five
Time's up. See, I told you. These fucking hacks are taking you all for a ride and have a following who make them think they're hilarious at what they do. One of these days, they'll end up at a club where an audience with high-school level literacy will sit in silence and reveal the true crowd-killers. Or they'll just play it safe with the audiences of drunk college kids and keep cashing in. So guess what, people, you may be the one laughing, but from start to finish, the joke's on nobody but you.
According to ABC News, the drive by white American extremists to assassinate the nation's first black President is now full steam ahead. As I previously noted, the White Liberation Army is actively recruiting and the rhetoric against Obama is getting uglier by the day. Here's a recent quote from Mark Potok, director of the Intelligence Project at the Southern Poverty Law Center:
"I think the president has, in effect, triggered fears amongst fairly large numbers of white people in this country that they are somehow losing their country, that the battle is lost. The nation that their Christian white forefathers created has somehow been taken from them."
The notable surge in threats and proclamations of "Death to Obama" from angry white people is no big surprise. It has little to do with health care reform or bailouts or abortion or cap-and-trade or whatever issue these hotheads are bitching about. It's because the federal government is now under the control of a black man, and that scares the living shit out of paranoid white people. You have to understand that whites simply don't believe in minorities getting ahead. When a white Republican (McCain) badly loses an election to an uppity liberal Negro, then America is seen as being held hostage by a dictator. But the impenetrable white psyche has always been biased in this manner.
Take our nation's justice system, for example, which, according to white people, must always tilt in their favor. White L.A. cops getting away with an assault of a black man caught on video? That's white justice. A white CEO steals billions and gets sentenced to country club prison, while a black man steals $24 from a liquor store and gets hard time in a dungeon-like cell? Yes, that's white justice again. So now we're seeing this volatile combination of overt racism and flat-out know-nothingism from dumb hicks in the deep south and just-as-dumb hicks in the Pacific Northwest....heck, it seems that this kind of jaw-dropping stupidity doesn't discriminate according to region. Dumb white racists are infecting this country at a very alarming rate. And just like that lyric from Randy Newman's "Rednecks", the White Liberation Front is "gatherin' 'em up from miles around, keepin' the niggers down."
And this pales in comparison to the civil rights atrocities of the last century. Back then, minorities had little to no chance of equality since Dixiecrat racism was so deeply institutionalized. Now, the Angry White Mob just hates being told what to do by some well-spoken darkie in a suit and tie. They fear that more of their white brethren are leaving the U.S. and a disproportionate number of immigrants are taking their place. They don't like having neighbors in their upper middle class suburbs with skin darker than theirs. They can't stand those fucking wetbacks who get nightly video coverage on the Lou Dobbs show. They're just angry that advantages which were once exclusive to whites only are now open for just about anyone else, including the chance to be President of the United States. Fuck Reconstruction and emancipation, or those fucking Jim Crow laws. White people want a return to an America like the late 1700's, and they're willing to commit treason, murder and capital crimes just to make it happen.
Already, we've seen the dumbass who wore a holstered pistol at a recent Obama town hall. And waving a sign with a slogan similar to what Timothy McVeigh had on the back of his t-shirt before he bombed the Oklahoma City Federal Building. Then there's the whackjob who tried to bring a knife into that same town hall and had a loaded gun in his truck. And the guy at a separate town hall with cards that read "Death to Obama" and "Death to Michelle and her stupid kids". And all it takes is a Google search via terms like "obama hitler" and "obama socialism" etc and you'll find plenty of human debris out there who seek to ratchet up the calls for violent retribution against the dictator they despise so much. In the same manner that Islamic radicals want to see the next Osama Bin Ladin or Mohammed Atta unleashed, the American White Taliban are eager for this century's Lee Harvey Oswald or James Earl Ray to stop Barack Hussein Obama for good.
Yes, you can't just isolate the race factor when it comes to white Obama hatred, since we have a black GOP leader in RNC director Michael Steele. But the fact that Obama has control over America's citizenry as the leader of the free world is light years beyond any kind of power grab that Steele could ever manage. For enraged white people, Obama's race is the icing on the cake , the gasoline-dipped rag in the Molotov cocktail, the match that sets the fuse ablaze, the popping forehead vein that makes them crack, the absolute final straw. It's why just the mere act of killing his agenda is just not enough. White people only see two ideal choices for a President: either a white Christianist one or a dead black one. They just can't cope with reality any other way.
The anger management problems of American white folk go far beyond the unruly mobs of enraged, illiterate, wingnut screamerswho continue to infiltrate those health care town halls. It's fucking everywhere. White people wake up angry, drive to work angry, spend eight or more hours pissed off at the office, eat lunch in the cafeteria in a state of rage, drive home like a demolition derby pro and then take out their day's frustrations on their family, friends, kids and dog. Or, if they're single, they spew vitriol on their Facebook or Twitter pages with status updates every ten fucking minutes. Then they go to sleep angry and pop a Valium to soothe the pain. A few hours later, it's time to wake up, scarf down a bagel and a 42 oz. coffee, and repeat the vicious cycle. This unrepentant white anger is far from self-contained, because the rest of us have to endure it and avoid premature death because of it.
Think I'm exaggerating? Try driving from one place to another without crossing paths with some asshole in an F-150 pickup going 90 mph and blasting T-Pain with the windows down. The same fucker that you see at the mall wearing knee-length shorts, black tube socks and a baseball cap with the flat bill tilted to the side. If you don't allow him to change lanes or drive in front of him at a non-life threatening speed, he'll relentlessly tailgate you and run your ass off of an overpass with no hesitation. Same deal with the wolverine soccer moms at Target. Holy fuck, is there something about Target that pisses these crazy white bitches off? Whatever you do, steer clear of the store's entrance, because a psychotic bottled blonde from hell wielding a Coach purse and her cadre of screaming kids will maul you to the floor with a shopping cart.
As previously mentioned, white people are unfamiliar with conflict resolution that doesn't involve (a) screaming, (b) physical assault, (c) the use of a firearm, or (d) all of the above. Yet, it's white people who insist that our nation's crime statistics are tied to latino thugs and black gang members. In other words, white people have evolved into a highly skilled animal adept at walking the fine line that separates aggressive behavior from a misdemeanor or felony. That term "passive-aggressive" does not apply to white people, because their level of anger has to be powerful enough to create fear in those they hate and also trigger anger in their fellow white bystanders.
But anger in white people serves other purposes, such as covering up their guilt, keeping their kids in line, and that odd white invention known as "venting". Other cultures use breathing, meditation, a long walk, a hot bath, or even a couple of hits from the hookah pipe to chill and quell angry feelings. But white people? No, they have to scream and growl and break some shit. Destruction of personal property is mandatory for white anger to be dispelled. White people find solace and relaxation via blasting death metal and getting themselves cranked on that white drug of choice known as crystal meth. White people go beyond addiction with their unfortunate combinations of recreational chemicals, which serve as an elixir that turns the amp up to deafeaning levels and destroys all in its path.
I see very few minorities as regular customers at Starbucks. And when full-strength coffee isn't within arms' reach, they ingest 64 oz. cans of Monster or a four-pack of Red Bull before the morning commute. This fuels their delusions about what they need to be angry about in the AmeriKKKa they live in. White people are pissed off about having to share space with those fucking fags, wetbacks, niggers and chinks. They'd rather just certify them as terrorists and ship them down to Guantanamo to rot with all of those islamofascists. And white people would love to convert every synagogue, temple and mosque into a Christian church so that we can all worship the RIGHT God and destroy all of those pagans who pollute mankind.
But all of this should come as no surprise. Those who scream the loudest at public gatherings tend to be the least informed. And I'm sure that white people are at the top of the list when it comes to that demographic. No wonder that angry fundamentalist caucasians want anything except health care reform, they would lose an excuse to be pissed off at the world. Then again, they'd also love it if every city became Whitetopia and minorities would disappear, just like those Nazi priorities that they project toward a black President instead.
It's now official. Disenfranchised white people have had enough. Of socialism, welfare, fascism, Nazis, communism, government health care and most significantly, that fucking uppity negro we're supposed to call the President of the United States. They have no choice now but to resort to extreme measures. And it involves guns. Lots of guns.
So now that Republicans no longer control the White House, the white racist fuckheads in opposition are arming up domestic militias to attempt violence, fear, mayhem and murder in hopes of overthrowing the U.S. government and taking our Anglo-Saxon Protestant country back. They want us to face the fact that America is not red, white and blue, it's just WHITE. Got it? Don't agree? Then Chad and his suburban freedom fighters will emerge from their bunker in Mom's basement and spray your brown ass with AK-47 ammo. Then (after they circle jerk and watch some UFC) they'll go blow some shit up. Yes, they strongly believe in being real patriots for this great land, enough to commit treason via domestic terrorism and cause injury or death to their own people. Oklahoma City in 1993 was just a warning shot, folks. Now they really mean business, so all us Marxist motherfuckers are toast.
This is how white people deal with defeat. They don't play by the same rules as those who are law-abiding and democratic. They take their Constitutional rights to the utmost extreme. They intimidate those who don't believe their rhetoric. Conspiracy theories galore are spread like the H1N1 virus all over the web. And when they realize that their approach draws people away rather than attract new followers, they open up a fresh case of grenades and load a new magazine in the Uzi. That Obama t-shirt you're wearing? It's now a target for these stupid white militia marksmen.
The White Liberation Army is recruiting everywhere: tea parties, gun shows, VFW halls, trailer parks, biker bars, white supremacist rallies, and especially those health care town halls, full of angry white people who are amped up and ready to go to war. Show up at a town hall and they'll keep yelling in your face, wave Obama Nazi signs, chant unintelligible phrases, bring handguns, phone in threats of violence to members of Congress, and bring out all the heavy artillery. Because to hell with health care reform, we have the better solution to give people a better life: DEATH!
It's amazing that no lessons have been learned from past domestic terrorism tragedies, and I thought that we supposedly supported the Second Amendment to protect and defend ourselves from outside harm. Now, enraged white people want to take gun laws a deadly step further and exploit the right to bear arms by using it as a threat against anyone who disagrees with their beliefs and opinions, including those who were elected through a democratic process. Truth, justice and the American Way!
White people have put their cards on the table and are ready to double-down with threats, barbs, bullets and blood. They don't care about innocent people getting hurt or killed and are just itching to go to extreme steps to try and undo the last election. They don't give a fuck about you and your worthless life, they just want to clear the path for the next Columbine or Waco. Tim McVeigh is the quintessential white folk hero, and the White Liberation Army can't wait for his next protege to take action. Their crusade won't stop until they transform America into either a Christianist nation or a smoldering pile of rubble.
Remember hearing the acronym "WMD" about six or seven years ago? It was a constant warning to the West that Saddam Hussein allegedly had "weapons of mass destruction" in Iraq, and that we had to invade Baghdad to stop him. As mentioned before, this is what white people do on every level possible: use lies and propaganda as a basis for going to war against perceived enemies. And sometimes, those enemies aren't necessarily outside of our borders.
Today, WMD stands for White Male Dominance, and it's the American Way, and all in the name of God. Everything with white evangelical Christians exists in the name of God, including bigotry, homophobia and anything having to do with semi-automatic weapons. Fundamentalist Christians and conservative evangelicals despise the gays so much, they feel the need to pass laws against them so that they can't be as unhappily married as heterosexuals. And remember, they are also "pro-life" even though they also support guns n' wars. They're the American Taliban who want town halls to be Ultimate Fighter cage matches.
Oh, you're not religious or believe in a faith other than Christianity? Well fuck you, you goddamn islamofascist. The WMD Brigade wants your kids to pray in public school and read textbooks that deny the existence of gays, dinosaurs, birth control and sexual intercourse. They want you to believe that the government's proper role is to "cultivate virtue." In other words, they want a Ten Commandments plaque in every state building, a verse from Deuteronomy plastered on every edifice and a giant cross behind every judge's bench. The Christian Right won't stop until you've been royally fistfucked with the Bible and kneel down to submit to their superior faith. Jesus would be ashamed of the present-day white American Christian, but fuck if they care.
Even though we passed civil rights legislation over forty years ago, the WMD syndrome still survived. Take Bob Jones University in Greenville, SC, for example. This private institution of White Protestant higher learning refused to enroll black students until 1971, admitted only married blacks from 1971 to 1975, and prohibited interracial dating and marriage between 1975 and 2000. Why? Because the Bible says that cross-breeding is a sin, that's why. That's why the Christian church supported laws that outlawed interracial marriage, because they felt it would be an "abomination of the races." Too bad that they couldn't keep those laws on the books, because dammit, we could have foiled that fucking Obama marriage when we had the chance!
Did you ever think that society would get to the point where the pure essence of God would be thrown in the mud and spit on? Or that people would use God and Christ as a means to advocate outright hatred? It happened a long time ago. Even Friedrich Nietzsche proclaimed that "God is dead" because the dominant white male killed him and flings him around like a sock puppet for his own personal use. These vile, lowlife heretics have no remorse, no shame for what they do, and would probably allow this planet to be considerably more inhabitable if they were loaded into the cargo bay of the Space Shuttle and dumped somewhere near the Asteroid Belt.
So remember that if you're black, gay, female, non-Republican or non-Christian, you're a useless, no-good lump of shit in God's eyes. And the WMD Brigade wants to march over your grave in order to prove its point. Forget the Melting Pot that your parents talked about when America's history was discussed. That's all been proven wrong. It's all about the white guy, our precious gift from God.
It's not that uncommon for white Republicans to put their mouths (or in some cases, their genitals) ahead of their brains, resulting in verbal gaffes and embarrassing faux pas galore. On a weekly basis, we seem to see the GOP Racist Slur Of The Week in some form, whether it be an e-mailed photo, a Facebook comment or some dumbfuck's illiteracy causing a poor choice of words.
The anger management problems of American white folk go far beyond the 
