White People Should Permanently Switch To Decaf

The anger management problems of American white folk go far beyond the unruly mobs of enraged, illiterate, wingnut screamers who continue to infiltrate those health care town halls. It's fucking everywhere. White people wake up angry, drive to work angry, spend eight or more hours pissed off at the office, eat lunch in the cafeteria in a state of rage, drive home like a demolition derby pro and then take out their day's frustrations on their family, friends, kids and dog. Or, if they're single, they spew vitriol on their Facebook or Twitter pages with status updates every ten fucking minutes. Then they go to sleep angry and pop a Valium to soothe the pain. A few hours later, it's time to wake up, scarf down a bagel and a 42 oz. coffee, and repeat the vicious cycle. This unrepentant white anger is far from self-contained, because the rest of us have to endure it and avoid premature death because of it.

Think I'm exaggerating? Try driving from one place to another without crossing paths with some asshole in an F-150 pickup going 90 mph and blasting T-Pain with the windows down. The same fucker that you see at the mall wearing knee-length shorts, black tube socks and a baseball cap with the flat bill tilted to the side. If you don't allow him to change lanes or drive in front of him at a non-life threatening speed, he'll relentlessly tailgate you and run your ass off of an overpass with no hesitation. Same deal with the wolverine soccer moms at Target. Holy fuck, is there something about Target that pisses these crazy white bitches off? Whatever you do, steer clear of the store's entrance, because a psychotic bottled blonde from hell wielding a Coach purse and her cadre of screaming kids will maul you to the floor with a shopping cart.

As previously mentioned, white people are unfamiliar with conflict resolution that doesn't involve (a) screaming, (b) physical assault, (c) the use of a firearm, or (d) all of the above. Yet, it's white people who insist that our nation's crime statistics are tied to latino thugs and black gang members. In other words, white people have evolved into a highly skilled animal adept at walking the fine line that separates aggressive behavior from a misdemeanor or felony. That term "passive-aggressive" does not apply to white people, because their level of anger has to be powerful enough to create fear in those they hate and also trigger anger in their fellow white bystanders.

But anger in white people serves other purposes, such as covering up their guilt, keeping their kids in line, and that odd white invention known as "venting". Other cultures use breathing, meditation, a long walk, a hot bath, or even a couple of hits from the hookah pipe to chill and quell angry feelings. But white people? No, they have to scream and growl and break some shit. Destruction of personal property is mandatory for white anger to be dispelled. White people find solace and relaxation via blasting death metal and getting themselves cranked on that white drug of choice known as crystal meth. White people go beyond addiction with their unfortunate combinations of recreational chemicals, which serve as an elixir that turns the amp up to deafeaning levels and destroys all in its path.

I see very few minorities as regular customers at Starbucks. And when full-strength coffee isn't within arms' reach, they ingest 64 oz. cans of Monster or a four-pack of Red Bull before the morning commute. This fuels their delusions about what they need to be angry about in the AmeriKKKa they live in. White people are pissed off about having to share space with those fucking fags, wetbacks, niggers and chinks. They'd rather just certify them as terrorists and ship them down to Guantanamo to rot with all of those islamofascists. And white people would love to convert every synagogue, temple and mosque into a Christian church so that we can all worship the RIGHT God and destroy all of those pagans who pollute mankind.

But all of this should come as no surprise. Those who scream the loudest at public gatherings tend to be the least informed. And I'm sure that white people are at the top of the list when it comes to that demographic. No wonder that angry fundamentalist caucasians want anything except health care reform, they would lose an excuse to be pissed off at the world. Then again, they'd also love it if every city became Whitetopia and minorities would disappear, just like those Nazi priorities that they project toward a black President instead.